There really are no words to describe the loss of Cole. It's five years later and yet it feels so raw. I've been blessed with so many other grandchildren, before and after, and I love each one so much but it doesn't take the ache out of my heart for this grandson of mine that was so wanted and loved from the moment of his conception.
Each year, from July 10th through July 19th, my head swirls with with memories ~ it's the hardest time of the year and one that only feels a little 'softer' with time.
The following is from my journal. I've never shared it before. I think I need to now.
July 10th, 2000 ~ a day of joy turned into the most unbelievable tragedy in my life. We went with daughter Amy and son in law Jim for a routine sonogram to see our new grandson for the first time. We hadn't been able to get to earlier ones so this was such an exciting day. When the technician turned the machine on and starting looking at the baby we could see him and were all smiles. That didn't last long, as the technician got very quiet and said she did not see a heartbeat and needed to go get a Dr. Amy started crying ~ I started crying... it was disbelief. But the Dr came in and confirmed that Cole's heart was no longer beating. He was kind but still it was very 'clinical' and in the midst of it the 4 of us were all just sobbing and clinging to each other.
After giving us some time as a family, they showed us out a back door so that we didn't have to go through the waiting room with all the other pregnant women.
Later that day, Amy is told that she will need to be induced. They explain that it may take 1 or 2 days to deliver Cole. They want to do it the next day, July 11th. Amy refuses because her sister Ali's birthday is July 12th and Amy does not want to deliver her son stillborn on her sister's birthday. She agrees to go in on July 13th. Our hearts are broken.
July 13th ~ Amy checks into the hospital and is given medication to soften her cervix. They say it will take up to 48 hours to work. Friends stop by to see her ~ it seems so surreal. The day goes by and as the evening sun sets, Amy is quite obviously in labor and uncomfortable. We wait and my heart breaks even more.
At around 11 pm we talk her sister Andrea into going home ~ she has a nursing baby that needs her. She is so distraught and torn. She doesn't want to leave her sister but Brynna needs her. We try to reassure her that she needs to go. She leaves. This leaves me, Amy's sister Ali who is herself 7 months pregnant, and Jim's sister Michelle.
By 11:30 pm, it's 'close'. Amy asks all of us to wait outside the room ~ she doesn't know what to expect ~ what her baby will look like after being dead for several days ~ she needs privacy.
Ali, Michelle and I go outside in a courtyard area ~ Amy's room window faces this courtyard. The blinds are closed but we can see movement through the little openings. We wait and we hug each other.
July 14th, 2005 Just as it turns midnight, we see a great deal of movement in the room from hospital staff. We know it's about to happen. A few minutes later, I hear Amy let out the most sorrowful wail ~ there are no words to really describe it ~ I know he's here and I know there was no mistake made ~ he's gone. The sound of my daughter's wailing will never leave me. It knocked all the air out of me and made me feel the most helpless that I've ever been in my lifetime.
A short time later, Jim comes out to get us. We are all hugging and crying outside with him and he sends Ali and I in to Amy while he spends a few moments alone with his sister out in the courtyard.
Amy tries to manage a little smile for us when we reenter her room. Cole lies on a little table wrapped in a towel. Amy wants to hold him. They bring him to her and with tears falling down my face, I gaze upon this perfect child ~ this beautiful baby with his long arms, legs, and fingers. He's so still. We talk about how beautiful he is ~ his little bit of hair and his beautiful hands. It's the saddest moment in my life.
Ali and I leave soon after to give Amy and Jim privacy with their son. I'm worried about Ali ~ 7 months pregnant and going through such an emotional night. She promises me she'll go home and rest. I drive home alone and can't stop the tears... I pull over a couple of times just to sob before I can pull myself together enough to drive.
Amy is released from the hospital later in the day on July 14th. We make arrangements to meet at the funeral home on the 15th to make funeral arrangements.
July 15th, 2000 I see her coming in to the funeral home just as we arrive. I've never seen my daughter look like this. We get close and she falls into my arms and we sob. Jim's father is there too to help get this done. I just sit with Amy and when they ask her questions, she just isn't able to respond. The men take over and I hold my daughter. A graveside service is scheduled for July 19th at Evergreen Cemetery. Someone takes care of buying the plot. I have no memory of that.
The next 3 days are a blur ~ tried to balance being with Amy and yet giving her some space for her own grieving. I feel like I'm grieving so hard that maybe I'm not a help but a hindrance.
July 19, 2000 Chris and I arrive at Evergreen 15 minutes before the graveside service. Cole is being buried in their Babyland section. I see the tent and the chairs and lots of cars. As we get out of our car, I see Amy and Jim are arriving too. I start walking towards their vehicle. Amy steps out ~ dressed in a short black dress with sunglasses on. I can hardly believe it's my daughter. She sees me and comes towards me quickly and I wrap my arms around her and we sob again. Then I hold her hand and we go to the chairs and sit together holding each other throughout the graveside service. I'm living in a nightmare. When Cole is buried, I know it's one I'm not going to wake up from.
July 2005 ~ The loss of Cole has changed my life in many ways. Some are difficult ~ the birth of each subsequent grandchild brings me anxiety until the baby is here and crying and pronounced healthy. I've been blessed that the 3 born since Cole have been just that ~ healthy. Anxiety gives way to joy when I hold each in my arms.
Depression ~ I was already battling depression when July 2000 arrived. It got terribly out of hand after that culminating in almost a total mental breakdown in the summer of 2002. Depression has been and continues to be a battle I fight daily ~ but now there are better days outnumbering the bad ones. Along the way, I developed phobias ~ became almost housebound for a couple of years.
Still working on that one along with the help of a wonderful Dr and a great dog who gives me comfort and security when I go out.
Good things have also come about since the loss of Cole. One of the ways I found comfort was in putting my energy into giving comfort to others ~ and thus began my journey with co-founding Quilts of Love for ill children. It was because of Cole that I first learned to use the internet and create websites ~ my first site was started to give me an outlet to make sure that my grandson would never be forgotten. Since websites are 'graphic', it also propelled me into learning to make my own graphics.
Along the way, I have been blessed to meet so many wonderful new friends ~ some who have shared losses, others who don't ~ but all who enrich my life with their words, friendship, poetry and talents.
Dragonflies have become a symbol for me of Cole's memory. Someone told me that dragonflies symbolize a never ending cycle of life ~ a powerful transformation. For several years I had a garden stake dragonfly placed between Cole's grave and my brother's grave. *until someone took it*
One of my dearest friends, Lin, who lives in the UK knows what dragonflies symbolize for me and I'd like to share a note I received from her a few days ago.
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I was sitting on my front step for a short time yesterday right beside where the dragonfly which I now think of as Cole's ~ I have a flower shape which was put there exactly the same time and guess what ~ the flower has all corroded through winter ~ but Cole's dragonfly is still perfect !
I know it is almost the Anniversary of Cole's going to be with the Angels and was thinking of you.
I have 3 beautiful pink rosebuds which I am hoping will stay perfect for then, I shall pick them and place them next to Cole's dragonfly in a tiny Angel vase I have.
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So you see, out of such heartbreak and misery, came blessings in my life. I will never 'get over it' ~ but with the help of God, family and good friends, I'll get through it.
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